AstroDispatch.com

ABYSSAL EPISTLES
The Astrology of Baron Samadhi von Coppockalypse

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron’s horoscopes.

Volume 154:  Shuffle

This week the Moon wanes and the planetary players all scurry about to find the costumes they’ll be wearing for the next act. Mars, the Sun and then Mercury slip into Sagittarius on the 17^th, 21^st, and 23^rd. The migration of planets into Sagittarius, along with Venus’ recent movement into Capricorn, reconfigures the ambient energies considerably. This is a week to watch the dynamics change.

Between the Rays of Malefics

The movement of planets out of Scorpio and into Sagittarius usually marks a festive upswing in ambient energies. However, this year, the skies are heavy and oppressive over the land of Sagicron.* Every planet that enters Sagittarius must pay a dire toll to the devastating duo, Saturn and Uranus. Locked in opposition themselves, they will seriously savage planets which come between them. The situation is similar to reaching between 2 dogs fighting over a steak. In this case the dogs are titans and the steak is the global economic situation. Similar conditions have been referred to by traditional astrologers as “scissors” or being “besieged.” The series of tense moments is still over the horizon, as it won’t start until the second week of December, but mid December’s Full Moon will have some surprises in store, no doubt.

Conjoined Benefics

Venus strolled out of Pluto’s grasp and into Capricorn last week. Although Venus is moderately comfortable in Capricorn (think “office porn”), this year she will be joining Jupiter, who’s been in Capricorn the whole year. This year, the conjunction (Dec. 1^st) will likely see some of the floating billions of bail-out dollars start landing in outstretched hands. Maybe yours, if you own a bank. Regardless, the time around the conjunction makes an excellent time to plan a gathering or launch a business. Like a bank.

*Sagicron is the planet where Sagittariuses are made. It is in a nearby parallel dimension that totally rules. Sagicron is in a state of perpetual war between ninjas, pirates, and vampires. All of which have horse-legs. Sagicron does not realize that its age-old conflict is full of clichés and takes its war very seriously. Only one may hold the Sagicrown!

Occasionally, minotaurs attempt to immigrate to Sagicron from lush but boring Taurustan. However, these pitiful refugees are constantly mocked by the boisterous denizens of Sagicron. “I have a gorgeous horse-cock AND a beautiful man-face! While, you, my misshapen friend, have both an ugly bull face and a puny man-cock! ” And then they laugh. Female minotaurs are similarly mocked for their utters by the insensitive denizens of Sagicron.

Horoscopes: Nov. 17^th-23^rd

Note on Horoscopes:  12 Fold horoscopes are a way to assess the general condition of the splayed rays of the zodiac.  Although not without value, they are a blunt tool, and can only describe the archetypal activity in each power-zone.  In order to sharpen the accuracy of the horoscopes, read your Sun Sign if you were born in the day-time, and read your Moon Sign if you were born at night.  Reading the Sign in which the Ascendant is placed is also advised.  For information on where the Ascendant and Moon are in your natal chart, check out the accurate, free, chart calculation programs at astro.com and khaldea.com

Aries: Settle Down

The charge of planets into Sagittarius re-infuses the skies with fire. Long range goals reemerge into your mind, bullseyes blooming in winter fields. Meanwhile, Venus’ stay in Capricorn over the coming weeks is likely to coincide with positive recognition from your betters within your field. Which is almost everyone, so don’t get too excited.

Taurus: Optimysticism

The planets pouring into Sagittarius light up the nature of your energy exchanges with others. The spark from conflicts may serve to bring debts owed into consciousness. Meanwhile, Venus in Capricorn is a pleasant light in your night sky, brightening your outlook for the next several weeks, if in a duly taciturn and realistic way.

Gemini: Helpful Advice

The planets galloping into Sagittarius will be lighting up your social life for the next month. The energy available comes to you through others. However, you may not be in the mood to take in more energy. Old exchanges of energy may need to be unknotted before you can form new bonds. Also, avoid crapping your pants. It’s unsanitary.

Cancer: Eye-Stalks on the Prize

The entry of the Sun, Mars, and then Mercury into Sagittarius throws a strident beam of light onto your work habits. If you aren’t already, you’ll likely be busy soon enough. Meanwhile, Venus’ recent movement into Capricorn bodes well for you socially. There’s a special prize out there for you, and somebody else has it. Remember to ask everyone you meet, “Do you have my prize?” If they don’t, kill them.

Leo: Wemic

The onslaught of energies into Sagittarius will likely come as a pleasing infusion to Leo. The planets in Sagittarius will help your focus on the fortunate side of your situation. Perhaps more importantly, Mars’ movement out of Scorpio takes the edge off of family affairs. Meanwhile, Venus’ recent movement into Capricorn may help fortify you against material losses. Lessons learned this year in frugality and efficiency pay off here.

Virgo: Heartfelt

The power of planets in Sagittarius sees the spotlight shift to your home, where your heart is. You know , that little clockwork thing that tells you when to go work and who you hate. Meanwhile, Venus in Capricorn smiles sternly on you for the next couple weeks, helping to minimize the rough patches. It may also mark gains from projects you’ve brought to their conclusion.

Libra: Cyborg Weighing Machine

Libra, unlike Sagittarius, you do not have a half-beast form. Having a pair of scales for a lower body is not terribly effective. Or attractive. Nonetheless, you’ll still need to figure out how to take advantage of the Sagittarian energy raining down. The planets in Sag are likely to increase the social traffic around you while Venus in Capricorn sees improved relations with people in your family, particularly older females.

Scorpio: Enough About Me

The migration of planets out of your scorpion-hole sees most of the residents of earth heave a sigh of relief. With Mars and the Sun passing into Sagittarius, you’re likely also grateful to have eyes shifting away from you. As Mars, the Sun, and Mercury pass into Sagittarius, they’ll be lighting up your financial sector, where you’ll likely be focused for the next few weeks. Meanwhile, Venus in Capricorn offers to increase the social traffic around you. Also, a happy birthday to the remaining birthday Scorpios. May your poison be deadly and your claws grabby.

Sagittarius: Refit

Happy birthday! The solar system itself has gathered to sing your praises. For your birthday this year, as in years before, the Baron once again offers you the option of several lower bodies. Tired of the horse-body? Switch out and try this year’s models:

1. Shetland Pony! That’s right, its still a horse-body, but it’s a TINY horse body! Stop knocking things over and ruining hardwood floors! Comes complete with roughly human sized genitals.

2. Tank Treads! There’s no better way to say “Sagittarius!” than by crushing a child beneath your massive tank treads! Comes with full 360 action “torso turret.”

3. Cow! Is that the fearsome minotaur of myth and legend? No! It’s a Sagittarius with cow-parts!

Capricorn: Amphibious

The movement of planets into Sagittarius draws the source of conflict away from your friends and peer groups and into the hidden recesses of your psyche. Meanwhile, Venus’ recent entrance into Capricorn temporarily increases your charisma (CHA +1 temp). Ride the wave of good times, but don’t get pulled under. Contrary to popular belief, sea-goats cannot swim.

Aquarius: Social

The entrance of planets into Sagittarius adds energy to your extended social sphere. Professional contacts are likely to pop into your life during this time. Meanwhile, Venus’ recent entrance into Capricorn activates desires usually under the conscious radar. Don’t dance with the devil, flirt with death, or use multiple clichés in a single sentence.

Pisces: Obstacle Course

The ribald entrance of planets into Sagittarius lights up the terrain in the professional sector of your life. There are mountains to climb and people to scalp. Meanwhile, Venus’ recent entrance into Capricorn highlights your larger circle of friendships. You may want to consider whether the walls you surround that area of your life with are too high or too low. Try making friends by leaving trails of candy (or cigarettes!) or closing your circle with the clever use of bear-traps.

Consultation Services: If you’d like a personal consultation with the monkey behind the mask, you can get ahold of the Baron’s mortal vehicle at xroadsconsultations@gmail.com or at http://myspace.com/mazloth.

Learn Astrology: Write your own goddamn horoscope. Beginning and Intermediate level Online Classes held each and every month.  December registration now open!  Email Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com for details.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2008

Sol in Scorpio, Luna in Leo

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